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Infidelity – First Aid

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Imagine you have found your partner was unfaithful to you.
Are you shocked? Most likely you are.

There are a lot of ways of composing yourself: go jogging, have a cold shower, open your heart to a friend (only to that of yours, your and your partner's common friends must be left out), try relaxation or take medicine.

Once you have recovered your sanity, consider:

Is it really infidelity? How do you know?

Evidence like catching the partner red-handed or an SMS saying "My darling, how I love that big freckle on your left thigh..." – things like that are hardly doubtful.

Secondhand evidence like staring somewhere, being late, unusually long distances travelled, continuously checking e-mails of mobile and running to the phone once it peeps, increased care of one's hygiene, buying new clothes, perfumes etc. – things like that can indicate a problem, but not necessarily . So be very careful how you react  to them.

And finally anonymous letters – if they do not include a photo of more or less pornographic character, they belong rather to an unreliable information source (even that pornographic picture can be a photomontage after all). Throw it away and forget it. The author has been motivated by many things but never by trying to help you. Most often there is envy in the background.

If you are sure of your partner's infidelity:

Then you need to calm down as in the state of excitement you could do yet more damage.
Do you want to save your relationship and are you able to think reasonably?

So what can "the deceived" do?

You probably have all moral rights on your side – you may show indignation, you may punish him or her, you may decide not to forgive and you may impose conditions. The question is – is it any good? The answer is "no" for all those th ings.

Then look at the manual be low that helps you not to finish your relationship off.

What do the "deceived" partners often do?

  • They fall on the unfaithful one at the earliest opportunity (preferably right away by phone) and regale them with all available vulgarisms and remorse.
  • They give the news to the children, both their and their partner's parents and common friends.
  • They organize a confrontation in a threesome.
  • They strictly order their partner not to contact the lover from now on.
  • They grub all the details out of the partner.
  • They threaten suicide.
  • They also have a one night stand (so called contra-infidelity)
  • All the time they want to hear that the unfaithful still loves them and is interested in them.
  • ...And if they evince that from the partner, they don't believe him or her all the same.
  • They refuse caresses and offers of sex from the partner.
  • They disrupt the usual family routine like the household budget , division of housework (ironing, washing up, watering flowers, collecting children from school, walking the dog etc. – for example "Wash your clothes yourself”).

What are the consequences of those actions?

  • They fall on the unfaithful one at the earliest opportunity (preferably right away by phone) and regale them with all available vulgarisms and remorse.
    • In the heat of the moment they often rush and they can't take back anything that was said.
  • They give the news to the children, both their and partner's parents and common friends.
    • All these people are confused. They get to know something they aren’t interested in at all and even worse they are forced to take a stand.
  • They organize the confrontation in a threesome.
    • It is a predictable plo y: A teacher and two naughty children who must be told off and who close ranks all the more.
  • They strictly order their partner not to contact the lover from now on.
    • It can work on a submissive partner only. Otherwise there is an enhanced risk of a violent action (like a dramatic departure at night) and a better conspiracy in the future.
  • They grub all the details out of the partner.
    • Such details provoke fantasy which is quiet unavailing. There is also a risk they will be reminded of the infidelity by many innocent things. Does the lover like roses? Then you are going to hate them from now on. Does the lover have a green car? Then any further encounter of a green car revives the painful memories of yours. That applies to any other favourites of the lover – dog breed , clothes, drinks e tc. Or a little bit absurd (but not impossible): Does the lover live in a street where there is also a karate club? Then your children are going to be signed off the karate even though they go to another club in town.
  • They threaten suicide.
    • Such conduct can hardly attract anyone, so it's clearly a loss of points.
  • They also have a one night stand (so called contra-infidelity).
    • It often results in general frustration, including that over yourself.
  • All the time they want to hear that the unfaithful still loves them and is interested in them.
    • It is all merely a trick question . The only answer is presumed so that such questions are no good and they make the partner feel embarrassed.
  • ...And if they evince that from the partner, they don't believe him or her all the same.
    • Very fascinating behaviour, isn't it? Again, another loss of points.
  • They refuse caresses and offers of sex from the partner.
    • By this you pass your partner back to the hands of the lover, where the partner can find both.
  • They disrupt the usual family routine like the household budget , division of housework (ironing, washing up, watering flowers, collecting children from school, walking the dog etc. – for example "Wash your clothes yourself).
    • The family routine is an extremely important base of family life. Disturb it and you make things much worse.

From whence it follows, that all the above named procedures don't go right if you are interested in pursuing your relationship. On the other hand, if you want to come to an instant split, nothing works better than any of the discussed things or even their combination.

So what should "the deceived" partners do?

  • They impart dispassionately all they know and tell the partner to make a decision within a reasonable term, what he or she wants.
  • If an ultimatum , then a moderate one – they provide their partner with enough time to cope and to decide whereas they are ready to keep the threat.
  • They pursue the standard family routine as it prevents the union from splitting.
  • If possible, at least a little bit they carry on their sexual life with the partner, because they want the partner to feel good with them.
  • They make themselves independent, they push ahead their interests and friends and they renew old contacts. They know that if they sidle away from the partner a little bit, he or she starts to strive after them. They cease to be a mere fixture.
  • They refuse to hear the details. Some unfaithful are such "goodies" that they think fit to share every detail of their affair. This should be definitely rejected for the reasons above.
  • They do things a bit better than before, of course without servility or parading their effort. In every relationship there is something that can be improved; the partner will feel more satisfied at home and should appreciate his or her yokefellow.
  • However, it is absolutely ideal not to mention the infidelity at all. This applies for all and everything: the unfaithful never "confesses" to his or her affair; if one gets to know about their partner's infidelity, they do not reveal it. And it is the same if one knows and the unfaithful knows that the other one knows – and yet they don't talk about it. No matter how peculiar it may seem, talking about infidelity should be an utter taboo.

All these apply for unentangled infidelities. If the unfaithful invests the family money in his or her lover or there is a baby (to be born) from the liaison, talking about the subject cannot be avoided and looking for a solution will be more difficult. Looking for some counseling is advisable then.

If talking seems to be necessary, you ideally cope with it like this: "I know everything and I suffer from that. I also know, what you would say, so better say nothing. You are a great (wo)man and a splendid mother/father of our children."


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